Joshua is Bored

Joshua is very bored.
Yes, it's true, it's true!
Since we cut the umbilical cord,
he's had nothing to do!

Homework Assignment

A teacher at Joshua's new school gave parents an assignment. This is what I turned in:

Who is Joshua Merideth?

As Told by his Father, Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith, in a Million Words
(or less)

Joshua Merideth is a great ape, approximately four thousand five hundred days old. He was born in manner consistent with most members of his species with all the parts he would need to function normally. In fact, he was born with one or two extra bits that were later cut off. In particular, there was a skin tag on his right temple that looked quite promising but the doctor decided it was best if it took an indefinite vacation. Other bits either grew or shrank as these things are wont to do while he progressed from quadruped to a biped.

Joshua is quite aware of his evolutionary and ontological origins. If pressed by an authority figure or bribed with treats, he can give a fairly accurate picture of where he came from. If allowed to ramble on, he is likely to add sound effects and slightly risqué diagrams. Usually it is best to stop him at the one hour mark.

Joshua demonstrates rather lackluster abilities when it comes to performing household chores. The reasons for this are rather a mystery to his confused parents because he demonstrates exceptional aptitude in video games, channel surfing, and procrastination. Discipline regimens involving electric shocks were a complete failure. In a nutshell, Joshua can exhibit amazing stubbornness that one would expect to find only in elderly senile dockworkers.

Socially, Joshua displays amazing flexibility that far outpaces the limited vision of his parents. He is usually forthright and honest without being brusque or boorish. He is highly empathetic and has a tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve, which can lead to icky blood stains and expensive cleaning bills.

Joshua has shown amazing resourcefulness in financial matters. He has repeatedly turned his meager allowance into a significant sum which he in turn spends on items only a child would want. His financial acumen is balanced by his generosity. For example, he has foolishly made a number of sub-prime loans to his father which he has no hope of ever collecting on. (He doesn’t know about this so please keep it to yourself.)

**** 999,482 Words Redacted by Request of UNICEF Advanced Child Development Committee ****

While I could go on for another million words about Joshua David Merideth, for brevity’s sake I will leave you with this collection of Brief Joshua Facts:

• Joshua’s hair has been quite a few different colors.
• Joshua has never been arrested.
• In alternative virtual lives Joshua has been an assassin, soldier, magician, archer, hero, villain, spy, and a variety of improbable animals.
• Joshua has four aunts, one uncle, three grandparents, four cousins, five cats, and one colony of friendly bacteria in his digestive tract.
  Joshua currently has four names, but in the future he may have five depending upon what Tennessee state government will allow.
• Joshua likes rap and hip-hop music despite his parents’ best efforts to limit his music choices to 80s glam-rock.
• Joshua once played with a Saturn V-1B launch vehicle and did not break it.

Joshua Hair Report 2006

Thursday, May 25, 2006 - Memphis, TN - Like a colorful, yet inexorable, engine of doom, it's that time of the year again. Hold onto your hair pieces, because here comes the Joshua Hair Report!

Whew! Josh thought deciding on a hair color was difficult last year, but this year was much, much worse. Worse than trying to decide which strange Harry Potter fanfic to read next! He had already covered all the basic colors, and, as I'm sure you know, choosing the same color twice is verboten.

After much hemming and hawwing, Josh decided it was time to get sophisticated. Not sophisticated like some rich white people angered over the assumed gender of a hat, but sophisticated none the less. Joshua decided to go for two colors and try to be "artsy." Joshua chose Party Time Pink and Tripped Up Turquoise. He wanted his hair to be as colorful and exciting as a gem sweater.

This year the temporary fear that Joshua used to associate with this bizarre family ritual had completely disappeared. Joshua had become as blasé as gay Batman at a Klan rally. It was sad, really. I so used to love frightening Josh with stories of hair dye gone wrong.

Bleach on, followed by the dreaded hair bonnet. With Joshua as a captive audience for the next hour, Pamela and I decided it would be a good time to teach him a geography lesson. We started with listing the improvements made to Baghdad since the invasion. Then we had 58 more minutes to kill.

After a rather long awkward pause, we moved to more practical matters, like how to give a cat a pill that will make it save babies, followed by how to recognize signs of cat vomit. By the time we were done, Josh's hair had been fried to the consistency of brittle straw. The bonnet was removed with a tiny crowbar, Joshua washed, then dried his hair. The canvas was blank and ready for our ministrations.

Wielding subtlety like a barbed whip, Pamela suggested that we color each half of Joshua's hair with a different tint. Josh thought it was a grand idea. He even wanted to dye his eyebrows. For the first time we agreed we would do this.

Solutions were prepared. A cauldron was set to boil. Arcane rituals mentioning Carrot Top and Rip Taylor were repeated in obnoxious high-pitched tones. And all that was just to make a cup of coffee!

Things seemed to go well, until Joshua took a look at himself in the mirror. While the idea of colored eyebrows sounded good in theory, in practice it doesn't work out that well. Joshua gaped in horror at his visage. "With eyebrows like these I'll never be able to attract my future girlfriend at a young age," he cried.

Using sandpaper and concentrated sulfuric acid we were able to remove the color from his eyebrows. Unfortunately, we also ended up removing the eyebrows as well. While Josh feared for his good looks, I silently made a mental note to see if there were any freak shows in town that were looking for new talent.

After a quick rinse and vigorous towelling, Joshua's hair color adventure was concluded. Tomorrow he faces his last day of school in the 5th grade. Josh said he was a tiny bit worried that some people wouldn't like his hair color. I told him to turn the other cheek.

There you have it;
the Amazing
Multicolored
Joshua 2006!

See Also:
Joshua Hair Report 2004
Joshua Hair Report 2005