Homework Assignment

A teacher at Joshua's new school gave parents an assignment. This is what I turned in:

Who is Joshua Merideth?

As Told by his Father, Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith, in a Million Words
(or less)

Joshua Merideth is a great ape, approximately four thousand five hundred days old. He was born in manner consistent with most members of his species with all the parts he would need to function normally. In fact, he was born with one or two extra bits that were later cut off. In particular, there was a skin tag on his right temple that looked quite promising but the doctor decided it was best if it took an indefinite vacation. Other bits either grew or shrank as these things are wont to do while he progressed from quadruped to a biped.

Joshua is quite aware of his evolutionary and ontological origins. If pressed by an authority figure or bribed with treats, he can give a fairly accurate picture of where he came from. If allowed to ramble on, he is likely to add sound effects and slightly risqué diagrams. Usually it is best to stop him at the one hour mark.

Joshua demonstrates rather lackluster abilities when it comes to performing household chores. The reasons for this are rather a mystery to his confused parents because he demonstrates exceptional aptitude in video games, channel surfing, and procrastination. Discipline regimens involving electric shocks were a complete failure. In a nutshell, Joshua can exhibit amazing stubbornness that one would expect to find only in elderly senile dockworkers.

Socially, Joshua displays amazing flexibility that far outpaces the limited vision of his parents. He is usually forthright and honest without being brusque or boorish. He is highly empathetic and has a tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve, which can lead to icky blood stains and expensive cleaning bills.

Joshua has shown amazing resourcefulness in financial matters. He has repeatedly turned his meager allowance into a significant sum which he in turn spends on items only a child would want. His financial acumen is balanced by his generosity. For example, he has foolishly made a number of sub-prime loans to his father which he has no hope of ever collecting on. (He doesn’t know about this so please keep it to yourself.)

**** 999,482 Words Redacted by Request of UNICEF Advanced Child Development Committee ****

While I could go on for another million words about Joshua David Merideth, for brevity’s sake I will leave you with this collection of Brief Joshua Facts:

• Joshua’s hair has been quite a few different colors.
• Joshua has never been arrested.
• In alternative virtual lives Joshua has been an assassin, soldier, magician, archer, hero, villain, spy, and a variety of improbable animals.
• Joshua has four aunts, one uncle, three grandparents, four cousins, five cats, and one colony of friendly bacteria in his digestive tract.
  Joshua currently has four names, but in the future he may have five depending upon what Tennessee state government will allow.
• Joshua likes rap and hip-hop music despite his parents’ best efforts to limit his music choices to 80s glam-rock.
• Joshua once played with a Saturn V-1B launch vehicle and did not break it.